I don't have very much to say tonight....today was a very long and stress filled doozey....
I awoke to my cell phone alarm clock at 5am...in preparation to have the gumption to get up and shower before running out of time getting my 2 yr old off to his first daycare day extravaganza....once i looked at my phone - and promptly disabled the alarm clock - i laid back down to "snooze"...
not even 15 minutes have elapsed and my phone goes off again - now I know I turned the damned thing off just moments ago.....
I have a text informing me that my Poppa (grandfather) has just literally passed away. It was so surreal - there really aren't any words to describe my moment of total relaxation/realization and relief combined with my husbands instantaneous "Baby I'm so sorry, are you going to be OK?" I replied to my husband with a "yeah i'll be fine; hey did i ever tell you that he sort of resembled captain luke bacard and popeye?" I think i threw him off with that last line.......but it fit the moment.....
It was a true moment of peaceful clarity. I didn't cry, at first, I responded to my aunt in Phoenix with an OK, thanks for letting me know. This has been a long drawn out painful 8 or so weeks, he had stage 4 untreatable cancer, and now he's gone, no longer in pain, and I'm OK with it.
I mentioned before that i hadn't cried at that peaceful moment, but i had the sudden urge to find a few pictures i had stashed away somewhere that i felt utterly compelled to share with my husband at 5 something in the morning....I cried because i thought I had lost them, but I finally found them, and shared with him the visual image of my Captain Luke Bacard(yes i know the spelling is probably off on that one) / Popeye descriptions of my Poppa in his Bright Red Leather Hiking boots. And then i cried a little more, but then i was done, I dropped off my son at daycare and nearly lost myself again seeing him standing there at the door window crying for me. But I didn't cry then either, i went all day at work with everyone telling me how sorry they were for me and hugs all around but i just felt almost zombie like. I went to work, didn't really speak to anyone unless i was spoken too, and came home.
I guess its just one of those surreal moments or days that might take a while to recover from, or maybe I'm just too busy as a wife and mother to take the time i need to, to just sit somewhere alone and have a damned good and lonnnnnng overdue cry session.....or maybe I've just been around too many boys and men that i have that whole, "pull it together and move on fast" attitude....whatever it is, i know this is just the start of a long winding road that i know will catch up with me sooner rather than later....i just hope that my eyes don't puff shut....that would be a real bitch to try and drive to work that way.....ha ha ha....
Losing a loved one is so hard, but it's even harder to see them go through all that pain. When you cherish someone, your desire to see them alive is suppressed with their desire for comfort and peace. I don't think there is anything wrong with you not crying. It's been less than 24 hours since you have found out and you have been preparing yourself for this moment for weeks. Give it time, love. You will have your moment to sit and think about all that has happened. But keep in mind that just because his suffering is done, does not mean yours should begin.
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